What’s that line again? Oh, yeah – “Don’t call it a comeback”, LL Cool J circa 1990.
Sometimes I feel a little bit like a KPop band, with their multiple “comebacks”, usually set only a short 1-2 years apart because to them and their industry that’s regularly regarded as a long-ass time and people become irrelevant real quick. That’s a hard thing to think about, to someone who often finds herself stopping for long periods between cycles of creativity and projects, and also because the longer I leave in these off-periods, the harder it is to get back into the swing of it. I do think there is something to the fact that I try and am still trying, but it’s difficult to not equate those periods with complete and utter failure.
Stakes are raised a little higher this time around, as I quit my full-time job about a month ago to actively and legitimately pursue a number of things I hardly let myself think about with the shadow of these “failures”. It’s still a struggle to carve out time to work on things, chiefly because there’s so much of it! Where do I start? How do I prioritize one project over another? What’s the best use of my time when I want to do four things at once? It’s infinitely harder when you’re the sole person responsible for a venture. And that? Is terrifying. A lot of my time now is spent not thinking about how terrified I am (insert both sobbing and cry-laughing emoji).
But I think the best thing is figuring it all out. For those of you I haven’t told personally, I started a podcast and my friend Becky talked about anticipation during the episode we recorded. She put it more in terms of going on a trip, but for me the anticipation of what is to come deeply unsettles me and also drives me forward because it’s exciting. It’s new, and scary, and I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen next (the source of most of my anxiety, lbr), but there’s a stark beauty in that knowledge. To anyone who’s feeling this way, or is moving into a period of their lives like this, I say: you can fucking do it. Get it while the gettin’s good etc etc – I believe in you, you cute-ass fuckers.