hello, 2019

New year, new me! Or so the saying goes.

January 1st has come and gone, and we now find ourselves in the barren wasteland that is fast-encroaching mid-January. Did you make any resolutions? ‘Cause I can tell you right now, I sure as hell didn’t.

You know what I did make? Goals. Vague goals, sure, but specific enough to be actionable.

Also, I say things like “actionable” now, because I’m officially out of my mid-twenties. Gross.

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i just called to say i love you πŸŽΆ

So it’s been just under a week since I dropped the first episode of what’s ur fave, my love child podcast, and I couldn’t be more over the moon with how it’s been received. I didn’t know how much of a passion project it would morph into, especially just imagining it, until I started making it. I knew I definitely wanted to start a podcast, if only because I thought it’d be easier than my previous (and numerous) forays into vlogging/video-based content. I’ve quickly come to realize that calling it a love child is probably the most accurate label I could’ve given it.

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resurgence

What’s that line again? Oh, yeah – “Don’t call it a comeback”, LL Cool J circa 1990.

Sometimes I feel a little bit like a KPop band, with their multiple “comebacks”, usually set only a short 1-2 years apart because to them and their industry that’s regularly regarded as a long-ass time and people become irrelevant real quick. That’s a hard thing to think about, to someone who often finds herself stopping for long periods between cycles of creativity and projects, and also because the longer I leave in these off-periods, the harder it is to get back into the swing of it. I do think there is something to the fact that I try and am still trying, but it’s difficult to not equate those periods with complete and utter failure.

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vedif day 1

Welp, here we go again! Although this is my first time trying a VED-X, it’s not my first attempt getting back into video-making and content creation. Even going through the few posts on this blog, you’ll see past attempts at getting content consistently posted. I really really really want to push it this time to not be so critical about what gets posted because that’s what’s held me back in the past. I think VED-X/daily vlogging kind of allows people to just put whatever they need to up because they have to adhere to a schedule or a promise that they made to put something up every day.

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thoughts on being ready

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that I’m unfortunately capable of being full on, flat out, boy crazy.

I allowed it, sadly, to shape a lot of my own self-perceptions while growing up, and having a boyfriend became the be-all end-all of my existence. Those feelings would later inform me on how to act in my first (and only, to this day) relationship; I was manipulative and manipulated, emotionally abused, isolated. Real fun stuff. If it weren’t for a literal intervention, I’m not exactly sure when I would have gotten out of that relationship. I was angry for a long time after that (mostly at myself), but I think at the heart of it I was scared that it would happen again. I’d make the wrong decisions, burn what remained of my bridges, and become a person I hated.

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